Two week ago.....we went to the doctor's office for the official results of the tests that Shawn went through over the past few months. We were not expecting the results to be any different from the one sperm count we were able to do a year and a half ago, and it turned out to be the same. Secretly I suppose as sure as were it would be the same, a little part of us hoped to hear something different. I think that is why it was kind of nice not to know, it allows us that small sliver of hope. On the other hand it is nice to have the closure and know neither one of us will look back and wonder, "What if..." Not to mention it was not at our expensive since the VA paid for it. So the results were still no sperm count and the doctors cannot tell us why. The next step, they told us, is they can do a testicular biopsy to open Shawn up and see what they can find. If they find sperm then it is possible they can freeze it and we can one day do In Vitro Fertilization. The good news is we had to wait for approval for the VA to pay for the biopsy and about a week ago we got the news that is was approved. We are going to move forward with that and see what happens. If there is no sperm, that will be the end of the road. The hard part to "knowing" is then that means baring a miracle of God, we will have no possibility of having biological children. The good news is we can move forward to adoption and focus completely on that. Every time we go to the doctor or get this news it is hard though. It is an ongoing grieving process. This time it hit Shawn pretty hard. It is like we go through cycles. One of us is up, one of us is down. In some ways it is a blessing because one of us can be strong for the other. Shawn has often been the strong one for me in the past few months. He always holds me and lets me cry it all out. For me the pain come and goes less frequently lately. For Shawn it rarely is displayed but after these results of course he was upset.

SO, I surprised him and we went away for the weekend. We drove 5 hours to Cleveland, OH to watch the White Sox play versus the Cleveland Indians. We had a lot of fun. I rented a car and since we were both tired after a long week it took us forever to get there but we made it. Then on Sat we met some good friends for breakfast and then walked around the city in the rain. It is a lovely city, a mix of new and old. The architecture is awesome and the downtown is very clean and visitor friendly. We went to the game, Sox lost by one run in the 8th inning, plus the Bulls lost next door playing the Caveliers, but we had fun. Then we went to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe and went back to our hotel. Our friend's had left us a nice goodie basket which was a great surprise. We headed back Sunday morning. It was a nice getaway for both of us. We didnt talk about anything to do with kids and it was nice to just be us without the pressure of that "topic."

Once we got back we did respite for our friend's foster children. N is 4 and D is 8 months. We enjoyed having them here. It was nice to use our kid rooms. I didnt even mind the 6 am bottle feedings. Life is def crazier but we loved it.

This week......we got a phone call from the funding agency. They approved a fund in our name so we have a place for people to put donations. We are going to send out support letters in the next week or so. We also are having a fundraiser this coming week- a yard sale. We started setting up for that last night. It is nice to have a donations but whew a lot of work! :)

On another note, I love my dogs. They make me smile. The other day was a particulary bad day and they both were whining when they heard me cry and came in and kissed me. I think God gives us our pets to help us get through the hard times :).

Lia Sophia is going asi asi. I have booked a couple of more shows, and closed my first show. I got my business cards yesterday and they are really pretty!! Hopefully I can start making some money now.