O Emotions.......Be Unguarded O My Heart!

I am def not as emotional as I was this past winter. There is something about Spring and Summer that make it difficult to stay in a bad mood for long! However this past week was difficult for me. There are just so many "maybes" going on. I was talking to my friend Jennifer about this the other day and I was trying to put how I was feeling into words. It is best said that ALL things in life require a risk. Over the last three years of dealing with inferility is so hard to get my hopes up and truly think that this can happen to "us." It is like other people have kids but in my mind it is hard for me to think it will happen to us. It was good to be reminded that this goes against what God has promised us. Therefore, I want to either go all or nothing. I dont want to be guarded and miss out on an opportunity that could have led to a better plan than I ever could have had. Plus even if things had gone my way.....nothing in life is guaranteed. Even a biological child......not to be morbid but that is why we are always told to "live life to the fullest."

My friend Anne wrote in her blog that mother can mean many different things. So often I fail to think of myself as that term.....me a mother? It is almost like I dont think I can be that. But really......I AM, and I WILL BE.

I told one of my good friends tonight....as Christians we tend to play it safe.....and we dont want to sound cliche....but sometimes we just need to SPEAK things and say it how we see it happening. I SEE US BEING PARENTS. We are fit to be parents, we have a heart for it, and no matter how it happens it will never be perfect but it will be God's plan.

July 4th has just passed and I cant believe it is the middle of summer already.....which means I am half way closer to becoming 26!!! CRAZY. I had a minor mid-life crisis when I turned 25 last year so who knows what this December will bring......

We had a great weekend with friends and family. I am just really excited about some possibilities that we are looking at as far as expanding our family in the coming months. Please be praying for Shawn and I as we are making decision about what is best for us and our family. Please pray that the children we take in from the foster care system will be touched in some way even if it turns out to be a temporary situation as the las time. Please pray that our hearts will be guarded, yet open to what God has as well. This is a hard time of not really knowing exactly how things will play out, yet excitement at how it could.

It is just hard for me in particular to be happy and excited and want to tell people things when it could change at any minute. I guess we have been burned a little bit and I think it is good to be guarded with information. I have learned over the years to hold my tongue and be wise in the timing of things- hence why I don't always post details on here, not to mention the code of silence and privacy we as foster parents uphold--- LOL a little dramatic but you get the idea. Anyways we have a couple of different directions it can go right now so please just keep us in your prayers!!

In the meantime, life is still going quickly. On the business front, I got the new Lia Sophia catalog today and I am SO excited to revamp my business and keep booking parties. Let me know if you are interested!!!

So who knows? Maybe by December life will be so crazy I won't have time to dwell on my age.

I am sitting here and a storm is approaching. There are warnings on the TV and the different colors on the radar displaying the varying sides of this storm. Sometimes I feel like this is our life. We are having a wonderful day when all of the sudden up pops a storm; only in life there is often no radar for us to forsee how bad the winds and damage will be. In the midst of these storms it is easy to get nervous, scared, and want to hide or turn to comforts of this world to save us; it is easy to forget God in the midst of the storm. Once the storm passes though and there are only blue skies in the forecast it is easy to remember, "There is a God." Once we come out of our house and assess the damage we look to the skies for help to guide us through rebuilding. And of course God does just that. Sometimes after a storm in my life I look back and while I was scared, emotional, and upset, God was with and working it for his good.

Usually when I go through a storm I seek comfort in the wrong places and sometimes I even revert back to my past behaviors. These are "comfortable." However, once in awhile when a storm passes and I decide to dig my heals in and trust in God through it all it is very rewarding to look back and see how my faith was stretched, my hope was expanded, and my trust was renewed.

The last time I wrote we had a placement of four in our home. Although we always knew it would be a temporary situation, it did not make it any easier when the four went home last Wednesday after being with us for five weeks. A lot can happen in five weeks. Five weeks did not previously seem like a very substantial amount of time to me before, but it really is. It is enough time to develop a bond. So of course we were very sad to see the children go. It was hard to handle to go from 2 to 6, but even harder to go back from 6 to 2. While I love my husband and the time we have had to develop a great relationship, and he is my best friend, when you take care of someone day in and day out it is impossible not to grow attached. Our house is quiet. There is no Cody farting and making us laugh. There is no Kaylee asking me to paint her nails and brush her hair. There is no Ian trying to make us laugh. And there is no Alia crying and wanting to cuddle. I was sad to see them go. But Kaylee told me she was going to ask her grandma to take her to church and the last thing I did with the kids on the way to take them home was to sing "Jesus Loves Me," with them chiming in with every word.

And now Shawn and I are working on staying on track with the Lord. We are going to take this time alone again to reflect on what we have learned, and to get back involved in our foundation, and church. Sometimes the quiet after the storm is a good time to do these things.

And so it is interesting to look back over the last year full of storms, good ones and bad ones, as a storm being anything disruptive in life, sometimes needed like the rain is essential to the growing of crops. Through each storm we have reacted differently- sometimes seeking God and sometimes not. However, from this point looking back I can see a definite plan being worked out that got us to this point. God has brought us from point A to point B, and in His way. Now I can see the times when I have been upset and lost, and thought there way no way this was going to work------it did. It is cool to see how He has, and will, work out everything for the best way to form our family!

I feel peace and I am excited about the future.

We had a fun weekend :)

My cousin and her husband came this past weekend to visit. They got here last Friday night very late....or very early Saturday moning depending on how you look at it. On Saturday my wonderful cousin bought the kids water guns and a large water fight ensued. Shawn had been sleeping and we woke him up with a spray in the face. After that is was on. We turned on the sprinkler and had a fun time with water guns. Then later that night we packed everyone up----kids clad in their PJ's and we went to our local drive-in theater. We watched Shrek 4 and then while the kids where sleeping we watched Robin Hood.

On Sunday we went to church and then came home and relaxed. The guys grilled out for us and cut up the veggies (thanks Mark) and got out the chips. After a filling lunch we relaxed. Then my cousin and I took two of the kiddos plus the baby for a walk while Mark and Shawn took the youngest fishing. They had a fun time!

My cousin left early Monday morning and then we went car shopping----we had been doing that for the past five days to no avail. After a lot of searching and dinner at McDonalds....and five days from when we started we finally found a car which we LOVED! We ended up buying a NEW Ford Flex with only 54 miles on it, and it was within our price range. So now we have a new car that we love instead of our van which we were upside down in!

It was a fun weekend :)

HOLA a todos :)

I have had some people asking me about where we stand with things- adoption, life, etc. so I am going to write a detailed message here for one and all :)

A lot has changed since my last entry LOL; which only goes to show that God can change anything in an instant. Well when I left my last entry on May 2nd we had just watched our friend's children and came back from a nice mini getaway (just the two of us) to Cleveland, OH. Well that week we were getting ready for our adoption yard sale....when.....wouldn't you know it.....we got the "call." It was three weeks ago exactly from today when we got a phone call from our agency about a sibling group of four. It is a temporary placement which means that it is fostering only and the goal is strictly reunification and for them to go back home. Our agency told us this and while we really want placements that are "pre-adoptive" only (pre-adoptive are children whose parents either have or are about to lose their rights because they are not doing what they need to get the kids back or because they gave up rights, etc. It means they are looking for a foster home in which to place the children that can work toward adopting. This whole process can take from 6 months to 18 months----you know the government and each case is different). Ok so back to the phone call. Well this placement (placement- children who are placed in our home) was temporary only. We decided to say yes for several reasons; but mostly being we just wanted some kids in our house and to see what God had in store. Plus we are getting our feet wet and going through the whole experience at least once. We are also hoping after this our agency will call us with a "pre-adoptive" placement.

So we said yes and things got REAL crazy from there. I dont know how many of you have ever gone from 0 to 4 children in three hours but that is what we did LOL. I was at work (of course the call comes one of the two days I work each week) so Shawn left early and went to meet the children from DCS. I got home as they were pulling in and we winged it from there. Some of you know this, but for those of you who dont, we cannot give out too much more information about the children or post pics of them due to privacy issues. I am sure you can understand the delicacy of the situation. Anyways I can tell you that "I" is 5- boy, "K" is 4- girl, "C" is 3- boy, and "A"- girl is 3 weeks (almost a month). The older three came to us first on that Wed night. The baby was only two days old so we picked her up from the hospital that next Monday. They are all great kids and very well behaved.

Since that day things have been crazy (like def more laundry for me and home cooking for 6)! I am staying at home with the kids. "I" attends school right here in our subdivision and the other three are at home. Between appointments, tutoring part time, selling Lia Sophia, etc. I have def stayed busy. It was great though how much our family and friends have rallied around us and have helped us out. We were "mentally" ready for the thought of many children but to actually go through the motions is a different story! I do agree with the saying once you do it for more than two children it is like a couple more is no big deal :).

We have gotten to do some fun things with them like go grocery shopping all together, eat watermelon outside, wash the cars, go for walks, grill hot dogs over the fire; and last week we attempted to go to a baseball game. It was rainy and cold so we stayed all of thirty minutes; but hey, we tried! I am getting good at multi-tasking and since I love to schedule this is great for me- now I have 6 schedules to keep track of!


Now they have been with us for three weeks, and, of course, the famous question is "how long will they be with you?" (That comes right after- "Wow you had a lot of children real young." Or "you are so brave to be out with those children all by yourself.") Anyways your guess to the answer of that above question is as good as ours. We hear different everyday. I honestly thought I would be dealing with behavioral issues with the kids; but the issue for me is DCS and how slow things work. Part of the deal of foster care if you take day by day and just love on them while you can. This is hard for me because the thought of getting close only to have them leave breaks my heart but we knew this going into it! The emotional side of things is very hard. I just try not to think about it and I also try not to keep a wall up with the kids to "protect myself." I know they need love right now and so we are just loving on them.

Our goal in this has to be selfless; we are there to show them Jesus. One sweet moment was with 4 year old K (girl). She is a quiet but smart girl. She is glued to my hip. She loves Hannah Montana and to read stories, esp princess stories. Well anyways we were going home from church two weeks ago and she starts telling us that in Sunday school she asked Jesus into her heart. It was such a poignant moment. We got to tell her about Jesus. It was interesting to answer the questions of a four year about heaven, Jesus, how he lives in our hearts, how he died, etc. but at the same time what an honor to be able to do that! We didnt think we would be doing that for a couple of years yet but it was sweet. It really is a ministry.

Obviously life is crazy right now (the reason I am writing this community letter- sorry guys!); but fun and very unpredictable (the other morning the dog threw up, kids had accidents, and the baby chooses this moment to spit up all over me----you get the idea) all at the same time!

Side note: example of craziness- our dogs have ran away twice since the kids have been here. That is more than in the last year combined! Our friend says the must need to have some "doogie alone time." I say it is because more people mean more chances of the gate getting left open. This past week a lady locked them in her yard, took the time to look on Chico's rabies tag and call our vet to hunt us down (yes I know their tags need to be updated with our new info). The funny part was the kids had told me they saw the dogs running away while we were eating breakfast but I said "No they arent! They are in the backyard." Well lo and behold I get a phone call from Shawn around 12 saying some lady called him down from the street at his job and she had our dogs in her yard. I had to go and retrieve my stinky, nasty rascals! They had decided to take a dip in the creek before cruising the neighborhood. Turns out----the kids were right----they did see the dogs running away while I was getting their breakfast ready and my head was turned. Shoulda listened lol. However, I think now I am about prepared for almost anything!

On another note- As I am sure some of you may have seen, we did send out letters the past couple of weeks in regards to our adoption fund. We did get the fund opened and now we are still working on raising money for our private adoption (this means a birth mother would choose us and we would travel to where she is at the birth and the baby would come to us then instead of waiting to adopt in foster care. This is a quicker, but more expensive process). So we are still waiting to raise the money for that. It is looking like it might be a couple more months before we can approach that again. We are at a waiting point in that area. We will do this AND fostering to adopt.

With so much going on I was thinking the other day I dont want this to define who we are. I feel like I have become so defined lately; with the definition of my life being our "problem." We have been trying to stay us- Shawn and Rachael- married, in love, best friends, and children of God through it all. We are doing pretty well. Each days has it own challenges. Throw 4 kids and two dogs in to the mix and whew it can be tiring. Plus the no sleep with a newborn. Whew. We make it out alive though and other people do it so we know we can make it! We just take each day at a time and try not to let the kids, having kids, and problems with the kids define us and our relationship with each other or the Lord.

Side note: A shout out to my amazing husband. He is such a caring man and without him I would never take on these crazy things- but at the end of the day it is all SO worth it and he is SO worth marrying. I love him so much. His birthday is in a week, as well as our 4th anniversary! I CANT BELIEVE IT! Time flies! We are still so in love. I wouldnt trade a day for anything. And really, how many people can say that?


Life is good, may not always go the way I want, but at the end of the day it goes exactly how He knew it would be. It keeps me on my toes. God def has a sense of humor :)

Keep in contact. God bless and love you all!

Love,
Rachael

Two week ago.....we went to the doctor's office for the official results of the tests that Shawn went through over the past few months. We were not expecting the results to be any different from the one sperm count we were able to do a year and a half ago, and it turned out to be the same. Secretly I suppose as sure as were it would be the same, a little part of us hoped to hear something different. I think that is why it was kind of nice not to know, it allows us that small sliver of hope. On the other hand it is nice to have the closure and know neither one of us will look back and wonder, "What if..." Not to mention it was not at our expensive since the VA paid for it. So the results were still no sperm count and the doctors cannot tell us why. The next step, they told us, is they can do a testicular biopsy to open Shawn up and see what they can find. If they find sperm then it is possible they can freeze it and we can one day do In Vitro Fertilization. The good news is we had to wait for approval for the VA to pay for the biopsy and about a week ago we got the news that is was approved. We are going to move forward with that and see what happens. If there is no sperm, that will be the end of the road. The hard part to "knowing" is then that means baring a miracle of God, we will have no possibility of having biological children. The good news is we can move forward to adoption and focus completely on that. Every time we go to the doctor or get this news it is hard though. It is an ongoing grieving process. This time it hit Shawn pretty hard. It is like we go through cycles. One of us is up, one of us is down. In some ways it is a blessing because one of us can be strong for the other. Shawn has often been the strong one for me in the past few months. He always holds me and lets me cry it all out. For me the pain come and goes less frequently lately. For Shawn it rarely is displayed but after these results of course he was upset.

SO, I surprised him and we went away for the weekend. We drove 5 hours to Cleveland, OH to watch the White Sox play versus the Cleveland Indians. We had a lot of fun. I rented a car and since we were both tired after a long week it took us forever to get there but we made it. Then on Sat we met some good friends for breakfast and then walked around the city in the rain. It is a lovely city, a mix of new and old. The architecture is awesome and the downtown is very clean and visitor friendly. We went to the game, Sox lost by one run in the 8th inning, plus the Bulls lost next door playing the Caveliers, but we had fun. Then we went to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe and went back to our hotel. Our friend's had left us a nice goodie basket which was a great surprise. We headed back Sunday morning. It was a nice getaway for both of us. We didnt talk about anything to do with kids and it was nice to just be us without the pressure of that "topic."

Once we got back we did respite for our friend's foster children. N is 4 and D is 8 months. We enjoyed having them here. It was nice to use our kid rooms. I didnt even mind the 6 am bottle feedings. Life is def crazier but we loved it.

This week......we got a phone call from the funding agency. They approved a fund in our name so we have a place for people to put donations. We are going to send out support letters in the next week or so. We also are having a fundraiser this coming week- a yard sale. We started setting up for that last night. It is nice to have a donations but whew a lot of work! :)

On another note, I love my dogs. They make me smile. The other day was a particulary bad day and they both were whining when they heard me cry and came in and kissed me. I think God gives us our pets to help us get through the hard times :).

Lia Sophia is going asi asi. I have booked a couple of more shows, and closed my first show. I got my business cards yesterday and they are really pretty!! Hopefully I can start making some money now.

Pray for tomorrow please!

We are heading to the fertility doctor in Chicago tomorrow to get the "official" results of Shawn's testing for the last few months so please pray for that. We have been so busy with other things it almost slipped our mind. We won't be really receiving any new news, just hopefully getting the WHY behind this whole thing. We may be exploring other options depending the diagnosis and what the doctor says!

Good news: WE ARE OFFICIALLY CREDIT CARD FREE! I paid off our last two credit cards today! It is huge because we have had a least two cards since we have been married and I have since my freshman year of college. Thanks to the LORD for that one.

On a side note our furnace went out, BUT we may have the finances to buy a new one right now, and receive tax credits so amen to that too!

Well not much more to post......oh I am officially selling Lia Sophia jewelry now so let me know if you would book a party! It is so easy and I will do the work, plus you get lots of free stuff!

Well God bless.
Rachael

This week has been a little crazy. Last week was SO great but this week has been ok. Yesterday morning I woke up to my dogs moving around and found that they had torn up papers, a cup, one pair of my sandals, and....our TV remote. Then after that I washed our sheets and I looked for my cell phone but could not find it. I realized it had also gone through the wash......so good bye to my cell phone which I love. I currently have my hubby's until mine dries out enough to get some of the information off and then I will have to get a new one.

One thing to note is last Sunday my pastor gave a very good sermon and he spoke on the gospel in a different note. He spoke about the joy that went before the Lord as we endured the cross. God is a happy God and He wants us to see that, and see Him in that light. It made me realize that I often think of God as judging every move I make when in fact He is the Creator of Joy and Fun! Just a food for thought.

As for our adoption journey.....hopefully we will be sending off our fundraising application by tomorrow or Monday. We are having a yard sale on Sat. May 8th. Kinda at a standstill and waiting....just waiting.

So I have had some awesome blessings happen in the last couple of days, and since I often tend to be more pessimistic I am going to list them!

~We received a nice gift card from an Italian restaurant for watching our friend's children
~On Monday:
1) I got all my work done- paperwork, lesson plans, and reports- for my tutoring
2) I met our caseworker, and friend, for lunch at a Mexican rest (which I love) and she
paid for it (which I totally intended to pay for her!)
3) She agreed it would be ok if pursue domestic infant adoption at the same working with White's (where she works and we are licensed for foster care) plus she agreed to help us with our home study! THIS IS HUGE! I was so worried about our home study!
4) I sold two orders for my Lia Sophia jewelry party!
5) I got a nice Easter card from my grandparents!
6) I talked and caught up with my college roommate!
~On Tuesday:
1) I spent the morning with my hubby since we went to do our second (and hopefully) final semen analysis! The pschyo lady was not there and we were in and out!
2) THEN literally as we were passing Grant St on the interstate I got a phone call from my old job (which I quit in Jan.) and the secretary told me she had a check for me. I said ok, what for? and she said it was an academic check or something along those lines- totally unexpected! So we turned off the interstate to go get it (the school is off of Grant St.). I told Shawn it would be cool if it was like $20, secretly thinking I would like it to be more like $100. It was $842, after taxes! AMAZING GOD THING! So we are taking this as a sign, and a test, and instead of blowing the money we are going to use it to start our adoption fund!!
3) I got to spend some quality time with my sister and we ate lunch at Cracker Barrel.
4) I had an interview for a summer job that I always do teaching Migrant children. I usually teach first grade, but this time was different because there was a new principal AND I live in IN now so they are weird about hiring people who don't work in the district. However, because I have the experience and I speak Spanish, it all worked out and I got the job. Plus the pay is good, and school only goes from 8-2 this year instead of 3, so if we have kids by then I it cuts an hour off of them being with a sitter!

So cool beans. I called these my red letter days, and I will be honest I was wearing the same red shirt both days because I hadn't done laundry. LOL. Well today I am wearing pink......and I slept until 11 so today is starting off pretty good. Maybe I can have a good pink day.......:)

Thanks to the Lord for blessings and favor---- honestly, much needed, just like the fresh wave of this lovely Spring weather, coming out of winter and a season of depression.

Amen.

Moving along......

In the week or so since I last posted not much has changed. I decided to take some thing into my own hands today though.

One- I registered us on a website called adoptuskids.org which is a national database of foster care children. I found a couple of sibling groups I think we would be interested in. They were a little older than we were looking but I am feeling more and more open to that option.

Two- We are having a phone conference with a domestic adoption agency tomorrow evening. I am a little nervous because I am not sure that the agency we are going through now is completely going to approve. I did call one lady at our current agency and discussed it with her and she thought it would be ok if we tried to foster AND do domestic adoption right now to see which one will pan out. The hurdle is going to be trying to get our home study from our current agency. I really do not want have to do that process ALL over again! It is expensive and long. Shawn and I have decided we would rather pay our current agency for the one they have. So we will see. The good thing about adopting domestically is right now there is a tax credit of up to $13,000 or so and that would really help us, AND we are guaranteed a baby which I really like. The downside is the wait, the money of course, and possibly having to redo the homestudy.

I guess we will see what happens. The other night I had this vivid dream of a me wrapped in cloth. It was like God's hand was wrapping me tighter and tighter until I was crying and in pain and could barely breathe. Then all of the sudden a picture of a maravelous butterfly came into my mind and replaced all the uncomfort of my tight cocoon. It was like God was telling me he is taking me through time of pain, but it is just preparation for the beauty of the season of my life that is to come. When I think of it that way, and apply Jeremiah 29:11, it gives me hope and makes this time seem no so bad.

Another disappointment

Coming off of a great weekend I should have known I would get hit with something to waver my happiness and contentment with where we are and with the Lord.

I went to a mom's conference this past Sat. called Hearts at Home with my friend and my mom. I only went because I know the woman that started it, I grew up around this conference, and because I knew I could go to other workshops besides just those for moms. I am glad I went. It actually wasn't too hard. I even went to a loss workshop and was able to tell our story and cry a little bit. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have been sooooo depressed and going down this road of darkness the past three months. Many people do not know that, but it is the truth. I told Shawn it is like he grieved the first 6 months, and I was there for him, and now I am grieving, and he is being my rock. So after the conference, I came home and confessed some things to Shawn and we were doing really good.

Then on Monday we went to the doctor. Shawn found out two months ago that he could get some fertility coverage under the VA. A month ago he went to the dr. to get some tests ran. This past Monday we went to get the results of these tests and to do a semen analysis. They also drew blood for genetic testing. The doctor told us that if it works out the VA may cover everything for Shawn; including the testicular biopsy where they would remove sperm and freeze it in case we decide to pursue IVF in the future.

SO all in all this was an unexpected blessing. These tests alone will save us a lot of money. The other thing is we may get some definite answers and not look back someday and we wish we had pursued it more.

The next step is we are going in two weeks to get another semen analysis done, and then April 13th we will return to the dr. to discuss all of the information from these tests, and where that leaves us- either we will know it is a "no" or we will start the process of getting the VA to approve coverage for Shawn to get the biopsy. After all that, I was actually happy. I felt like it was an unexpected gift from God that these things may be covered. Shawn and I had a good day. We were in and out of the VA hospital (which NEVER happens) in about an hour, and we got to do some really much needed talking (at least for me- I am sure you can tell by the length of this post that I like to discuss things- lol). So all in all this can be chalked up as a positive step in the right direction.

THEN fast forward to today. I finally got a phone call from Whites (which took FOREVER- really a week and a half) saying that we did not get chosen for the sibling group of three boys. Wow. What a let down huh? Like I said I should have known it was coming.....and yet I always seem to get blindsided. Fun. AND I just got done telling people about it when I KNEW I shouldn't have. It is like I feel hurt, stupid, angry, and rejected all over again. In the workshop on loss this past weekend they told us it is ok to yell and dialogue with God. SO I DID! I cried, yelled, and screamed. And all that is left is just like this little voice saying I should have known not to get my hopes up. A piece of me wants to call it quits on everything and just say forget it. Obviously after all these false hopes, and three years, we are maybe not meant to be parents.

Then I am going through the drive-thru of Burger King and I see a bumper sticker on the van in front of me that reads- Foster Parents=Good work. I was like really? Really God? Come on. Is that it? But a piece of me does not want to go back down that road of depression. I do want to have peace. I wish I was more like Shawn in that I can just hear bad news, feel a little sad, and then more on with my hope restored. I just dont feel that easily. So this is not necessarily going to end on a positive note. However, this is my blog so that is ok. I will say though that I didnt call Whites and tell them to take us off the list, I didnt go home and crawl in bed, I am doing work and moving along with my day, I am not crying still, I am in the land of the living and still ok. I guess for now that is all I can ask for. For now, that is progress, and that is ok with me.

And we are still...........

waiting :) BUT I went to coffee with a friend last night who also is going through the trial of IF (not the treatment yet) and she kind of put me in my place; however, unbeknownst to her and in a very Godly manner. She basically told me she is focusing on what she DOES have, in lieu of what she does not. And her being older than me, the excuse of us getting older, and time flying by, sounded lame even to my own ears. Sometimes it helps to see past my own circumstances and to that of others. Needless to say I am a little bit more humbled, and really just being happy and focused on Jesus.

Sometimes I miss Him and our relationship outside of IF. So until that phone call comes, and even when it does, I still want to focus on Him.

On a side note, this is a big week for us because we will be finding out wether we get to take these three boys AND we have a doctor appt. this coming Monday with the VA in Chicago. Shawn found out about two months ago he is covered under the VA for thing pertaining to him, and the underlying causes of his IF. Basically, we will get dianogsis only, not treatment. BUT hey I will take it. It is better than not having any options, and best of all, it is free. SO that said, we will be finding out the results of some tests he had done a month ago on Monday. Please pray for us. There are a lot of things I could say about this, and a lot things I could list for you to pray for, but just pray for us. I just want to leave in His hands.

Thanks.

Praying and hoping

On Monday we got a phone call from our agency. This time it was to ask if we would be interested in a sibling group of all boys- 4, 3, and 2. The great news is they are pre-adoptive and parental rights are pretty much already terminated so if we get chosen we would be starting the adoption process right away. I am sure many of you know this is a blessing when it comes to foster care because it normally takes a lot longer.

SO we don't know much more than that, and if we did I can't post it here for privacy reasons. But I can tell you where we stand. The first step was our agency submitted our name to the county where the boys live, and now the county will pick the best family from all of the ones submitted. Please pray that if it is God's will that they will pick us. We were told we would either here back yesterday or today so I am just really praying that no news is good news.

Our house is def set up for boys and we have the beds and everything! If this is how it works out then it is def God.....it is not how I imagined we would start our family but I think it will be so much better!

With that we are hoping and praying.....and waiting. Amen to that.

Relaxation- good for relationships.....and for the soul

So I was at church this morning thinking of things I could blog about the last couple of days lol....here goes!

First of all, Shawn and I fasted from the world this week and spent time with just the two of us. It was nice. It is funny how even though you live with someone you can really lose track of him/her. We spent a lot of time praying and just relaxing together. We made dinner together one night and then watched a movie and some of our favorite TV shows. The week ended with a date on Friday night. He brought me flowers.....tulips to be exact :). It was really cute. Then he took me to the candy factory. It is called Albanese Confectionery Factory. We always drive by it and say, "We should go there....." but it never happens (the world always keeps us so busy!)! So he took me and we tested candy and bought a bunch of unneeded sugar :). After this, we went to the Olive Garden and spent a good amount of mula on yummy Italian food! I love their salad and bread sticks. I filled my urge for tortellini! It was fun to just relax and eat out together, somewhere besides McDonald's! Fun way to end the weel!

We woke up yesterday morning and cleaned our house and then made breakfast and put lunch in the crockpot. It was such a beautiful day so we took our furbabies, Charlie and Chico, for a much needed walk. Then we came back and lunch was ready (carnitas....mmmmm!). As we were eating I just felt this urge to go to see my family; they live about 2 1/2 hours away. My cousin is going through the beginnings of a divorce and I wanted to help her move out. So my AMAZING hubby was said ok, and within 25 min we were packed and pulling away. We arrived last night and then today was spent going to church, lunch, moving my cousin out, moving her in, playing competitive games of Wii, giving my dogs a bath, showering twice (I had to shower after the muddy dog baths), packing our stuff up again, and then dinner, more Wii, Internet surfing, and now getting ready to leave for home again. Whew! But it was fun to be with my family and just bask in the quality time. There was my play by play of the last couple of days.

So back to this morning- I was really thinking how much I love my husband and how there are so many things that we can do together because it is just the two of us. I know I always am complaining about how I want kids, and this whole blog is dedicated to our journey toward that goal; however, there are moments, like after reflecting on this past week and weekend, where I like just being me and him.......just the two of us.

God was really alive to me in church today. We went to my parent's church (my childhood church) and I just really enjoyed the sermon and truly felt close to God; and instead of complaining to him, I thanked him for the many blessings in my life--- starting with my husband :)

The other thing I reflected on this morning is how sometimes I just miss letting God be God. I get so caught up in my desires and what I want for my life I forget what he has for me is so much better. Sometimes I see Him through the eyes of infertility and not through the eyes of a forgiven sinner. He has forgiven much, and loves me much. I know he has a great plan for me, for us. Yet sometimes I can only see him, and the world, through the lenses of my limited circumstances. Sometimes it is nice, just like with my husband, to relax in His presence. And this morning I did. :)

Yesterday was ROUGH!

Yesterday was a very rough day! First I woke up and realized that this marks a month and a half that I have not been working, and therefore a month and half longer than I thought it would be without having kids. I know this sounds melodramatic but honestly when we have already waited three years more time seems to be forever. I supposed it shouldn't feel that way, in fact, in comparison, three months should seem like nothing compared to three years. Time is just time I suppose.

There are different ways to look at it. Last night Shawn was telling me how much he has loved the last three years and two months to enjoy his wife.....which of course made me feel bad for looking at it as time with an empty house, an empty womb.

BUT I have LOVED the last three years with my husband (almost four years this June if we count the year we didn't know we couldn't conceive). I look at that as one of the blessings of this IF journey. I truly feel like I know my hubby, and I mean as a friend and a lover, not just the former.

So I woke up yesterday and took a shower and realized that I really didn't have anywhere to go. So instead of going somewhere and having the self-motivation to go somewhere- the mall, or the library, or even to a movie (all suggestions by my husband)-- I found myself watching a Law and Order marathon. Don't worry that is not all I did. But still even typing that makes me sound lame to my own ears lol.

So after I got ready, and started my marathon, I decided I was going to conquer these hurdles that are keeping us from considering embryo adoption (The first time I have said the name of it to anyone but Shawn. So there it is- the one thing we are considering doing besides fostering to adopt- embryo adoption). I researched it some more and made some phone calls. After two hours, I can say I def understand more about what EA involves. However, it is SO expensive. At least $12,000 expensive. And it really makes me wonder if this is just some vain quest to experience pregnancy!?!There are just so many questions and hurdles. BUT I suppose if this is the direction we pursue, and God is at the helm, then we can not fail!!!!! :)

So with all these questions and blah feelings you can imagine I was pretty sad by the time my husband got home. I have those days where I just want to cry and it was def one of them. Unfortunately, it always seems to coincide with my husband's extra happy days and I always feel like a downer. That is prob one of the reasons I don't like to tell people how I really feel about this most of the time. It is the reason I just smile and say ok and happy things when I really feel like screaming. The reason I will prob attend functions I don't really want to attend. BUT alas my husband is an angel, really, and he instantly held me and made it all better just with his presence! He made me laugh. And his faith puts me to shame. Even though he is the one with the "issue" as he so delicately put it, his faith is always there, unwavering. He really makes me want to believe and be encouraged. So- I was. Within thirty minutes all was better and we were laughing and making dinner together.

So to end on a positive note, I may not be at that place of faith yet, but I have a husband, a life partner, that is worth all that we go through on this broken road. I love him forever and always and he is my best friend. I thank God for him everyday. And really, if I am honest with myself, for all the times I think God has forgotten and forsaken me and our cries for a child, really he has blessed me abundantly, with a husband like Shawn. I could have 500 children, but I would not want them without him. And that is the most important lesson of yesterday.

:)

Where we are now :)

Well this is my new blog. I am excited to have a place to write about my feelings and emotions even if I am the only one who sees this! :) Right now on our journey to parenthood......well we officially got our foster care license last Thursday Feb. 25, 2010! It was an exciting to moment! And it brings us closer to one more step in our journey.

That said while on the website I am a member on for women who deal with infertility- Hannah's Prayer, I saw information about this newer form of adoption. So we have been thinking and praying about which direction we really want to go. I guess one thing can be said for the IF road....there is no lack of options. Of course given the choice option A would be to have our own biological children. And while it is easy to say there are many other children out there who need a home why not adopt? This is easier said than done. Of course we would love it to be that simple but there are many emotions and hurdles to get through for this process to work.

And then there is this burning (and natural?) desire to experience pregnancy. This adoption process would possibly allow for that.

SO we are just really praying and exploring all options at this point.

The big thing today was we got our first phone call for a foster placement but I said no. Shawn has left me with the trust to say yes or no because we have to make an instantaneous decision in some cases. So the call was exciting and nerveracking in itself. The placement was for a 14, 13, 3, and 6 mo. year olds but alas I felt that these ages would not mesh well with what we are looking for. I called Shawn almost in tears because it breaks my heart to know these girls are out there and need a family. But at the end of the day it is better for us to stick to our guns than to take on more than we can handle just for the sake of having a baby (sounds bad I know but true story) or having kids only to have it not work out and then the kids have been to one more home and have one more rejection. So that was a NO. But it was a hard no.

ON the flip (and positive) side, I spoke at length with the intake coordinator from our agency and she now knows more about what we are looking for, ages, etc., and she assured me she would be calling us again. SO that is good news........just praying it will be in HIS timing with the kids HE has for us.

As for that other form of adoption.....looks like it might be on hold for many reasons......cost.....no health insurance, etc.

Well this is my first post. I have not decided who I am going to share this blog with since I am posting pretty freely here but alas we shall see.

That is all for now.