Another disappointment

Coming off of a great weekend I should have known I would get hit with something to waver my happiness and contentment with where we are and with the Lord.

I went to a mom's conference this past Sat. called Hearts at Home with my friend and my mom. I only went because I know the woman that started it, I grew up around this conference, and because I knew I could go to other workshops besides just those for moms. I am glad I went. It actually wasn't too hard. I even went to a loss workshop and was able to tell our story and cry a little bit. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have been sooooo depressed and going down this road of darkness the past three months. Many people do not know that, but it is the truth. I told Shawn it is like he grieved the first 6 months, and I was there for him, and now I am grieving, and he is being my rock. So after the conference, I came home and confessed some things to Shawn and we were doing really good.

Then on Monday we went to the doctor. Shawn found out two months ago that he could get some fertility coverage under the VA. A month ago he went to the dr. to get some tests ran. This past Monday we went to get the results of these tests and to do a semen analysis. They also drew blood for genetic testing. The doctor told us that if it works out the VA may cover everything for Shawn; including the testicular biopsy where they would remove sperm and freeze it in case we decide to pursue IVF in the future.

SO all in all this was an unexpected blessing. These tests alone will save us a lot of money. The other thing is we may get some definite answers and not look back someday and we wish we had pursued it more.

The next step is we are going in two weeks to get another semen analysis done, and then April 13th we will return to the dr. to discuss all of the information from these tests, and where that leaves us- either we will know it is a "no" or we will start the process of getting the VA to approve coverage for Shawn to get the biopsy. After all that, I was actually happy. I felt like it was an unexpected gift from God that these things may be covered. Shawn and I had a good day. We were in and out of the VA hospital (which NEVER happens) in about an hour, and we got to do some really much needed talking (at least for me- I am sure you can tell by the length of this post that I like to discuss things- lol). So all in all this can be chalked up as a positive step in the right direction.

THEN fast forward to today. I finally got a phone call from Whites (which took FOREVER- really a week and a half) saying that we did not get chosen for the sibling group of three boys. Wow. What a let down huh? Like I said I should have known it was coming.....and yet I always seem to get blindsided. Fun. AND I just got done telling people about it when I KNEW I shouldn't have. It is like I feel hurt, stupid, angry, and rejected all over again. In the workshop on loss this past weekend they told us it is ok to yell and dialogue with God. SO I DID! I cried, yelled, and screamed. And all that is left is just like this little voice saying I should have known not to get my hopes up. A piece of me wants to call it quits on everything and just say forget it. Obviously after all these false hopes, and three years, we are maybe not meant to be parents.

Then I am going through the drive-thru of Burger King and I see a bumper sticker on the van in front of me that reads- Foster Parents=Good work. I was like really? Really God? Come on. Is that it? But a piece of me does not want to go back down that road of depression. I do want to have peace. I wish I was more like Shawn in that I can just hear bad news, feel a little sad, and then more on with my hope restored. I just dont feel that easily. So this is not necessarily going to end on a positive note. However, this is my blog so that is ok. I will say though that I didnt call Whites and tell them to take us off the list, I didnt go home and crawl in bed, I am doing work and moving along with my day, I am not crying still, I am in the land of the living and still ok. I guess for now that is all I can ask for. For now, that is progress, and that is ok with me.