Yesterday was ROUGH!

Yesterday was a very rough day! First I woke up and realized that this marks a month and a half that I have not been working, and therefore a month and half longer than I thought it would be without having kids. I know this sounds melodramatic but honestly when we have already waited three years more time seems to be forever. I supposed it shouldn't feel that way, in fact, in comparison, three months should seem like nothing compared to three years. Time is just time I suppose.

There are different ways to look at it. Last night Shawn was telling me how much he has loved the last three years and two months to enjoy his wife.....which of course made me feel bad for looking at it as time with an empty house, an empty womb.

BUT I have LOVED the last three years with my husband (almost four years this June if we count the year we didn't know we couldn't conceive). I look at that as one of the blessings of this IF journey. I truly feel like I know my hubby, and I mean as a friend and a lover, not just the former.

So I woke up yesterday and took a shower and realized that I really didn't have anywhere to go. So instead of going somewhere and having the self-motivation to go somewhere- the mall, or the library, or even to a movie (all suggestions by my husband)-- I found myself watching a Law and Order marathon. Don't worry that is not all I did. But still even typing that makes me sound lame to my own ears lol.

So after I got ready, and started my marathon, I decided I was going to conquer these hurdles that are keeping us from considering embryo adoption (The first time I have said the name of it to anyone but Shawn. So there it is- the one thing we are considering doing besides fostering to adopt- embryo adoption). I researched it some more and made some phone calls. After two hours, I can say I def understand more about what EA involves. However, it is SO expensive. At least $12,000 expensive. And it really makes me wonder if this is just some vain quest to experience pregnancy!?!There are just so many questions and hurdles. BUT I suppose if this is the direction we pursue, and God is at the helm, then we can not fail!!!!! :)

So with all these questions and blah feelings you can imagine I was pretty sad by the time my husband got home. I have those days where I just want to cry and it was def one of them. Unfortunately, it always seems to coincide with my husband's extra happy days and I always feel like a downer. That is prob one of the reasons I don't like to tell people how I really feel about this most of the time. It is the reason I just smile and say ok and happy things when I really feel like screaming. The reason I will prob attend functions I don't really want to attend. BUT alas my husband is an angel, really, and he instantly held me and made it all better just with his presence! He made me laugh. And his faith puts me to shame. Even though he is the one with the "issue" as he so delicately put it, his faith is always there, unwavering. He really makes me want to believe and be encouraged. So- I was. Within thirty minutes all was better and we were laughing and making dinner together.

So to end on a positive note, I may not be at that place of faith yet, but I have a husband, a life partner, that is worth all that we go through on this broken road. I love him forever and always and he is my best friend. I thank God for him everyday. And really, if I am honest with myself, for all the times I think God has forgotten and forsaken me and our cries for a child, really he has blessed me abundantly, with a husband like Shawn. I could have 500 children, but I would not want them without him. And that is the most important lesson of yesterday.

:)