Carving Pumpkins and God

My husband was carving pumpkins with our boys tonight and I was not able to be there but I got to see the end result thank to technology. It reminds me of how intricately God carves out our lives. He takes out all of the mess, the seeds, and the gunk, and then begans taking the knife and puncturing through our defenses and pricking our weak spots until all that is left is an awesome design- his design. I feel like through this season of waiting He has me in the spot of surrender where all I can do allow him to scoop out all the gunk and wait to see the cool new design he has for this season of my, and my family's life :).

God has great timing, but we all knew that!

In the journey of foster care, or even life, sometimes it does not always turn out the way we want it, or we do not know the end of a child's journey when they come into our home, but God has blessed my husband and I with the privilege of being a forever home to our two sons. We got the news this morning that our adoption court date will be Tuesday December 13th!!

I am still reeling from the news, and am very excited. It took so long to get to this point and now it is only two weeks away and there is so much to do. I just keep thinking of freedom, and that for the first time in 2 years we will not have to ask permission to visit anyone, or report things to a caseworker; although it will probably take a bit to break that initial habit.

I found a journal entry from two years ago when we were just finishing our licensing process, and our boys had already come into the system and were placed with our good friends, and we knew them. In the journal entry I wrote that I thought the boys were going to be ours, which was crazy at the time as they had only been in the system for maybe two months. I wrote that I thought they were God's kids for us and we would adopt them before Christmas, and lo and behold, two years later, how perfect God's timing is. When you go through something it is near impossible to really appreciate the trail and tribulation of it, the perfect timing that leaves no room to consider it a coincidence, so that it can point right back to God's grace and knowledge. Now I can look back and see those footprints in the sand!

My journal entry from October 26th, 2009:

"Yesterday at church I felt let to war during worship for my family. I felt we are going to have the boys before Christmas. Either way I was warring for the boys and their lives- that they will not be orphans but sons with a call on their life- as we are sons and daughters. This experience is making me look at God in a new way. From His perspective, we are his kids, plain and simple. I want my kids to see it that way.

Then I felt the Lord....tell me to pray.....so I did. I prayed for the territory that the Devil stole- it had to be returned.......God you are so awesome in your timing and comfirmation!"

Interestingly enough we found out our adoption "official" news on October 26th, 2011,

And our adoption will be official before Christmas.

Me? A mother?

Today, after reading the following commentary from a fellow blogger:

"Some people questioned if we were “ready” to start the adoption process. Were we done grieving, they wanted to know. Clearly, this was a question being asked by those who have not yet known loss. You are never done grieving, and if you wait for that to happen, life will pass you by. But we were ready to choose hope, to choose life, to choose family and love and the chance to raise a child. We were ready to hold our loss in our hearts while we sought out joy. I didn’t give two figs if my child was flesh of my flesh or not. Put a baby in my arms, and that baby is mine."

I looked at a picture of my two precious darlings and the first thought in my mind was, "mine." I can honestly say after a 7 year journey to parenthood I am a mother. I do not stop and think about it, I do not question it. It is now a part of who I am. It is not the only thing I am, but it is an important piece.

I used to walk around on egg shells fearing those around me would see my longings and my fear that I would never wear the hat of "mommy." I was afraid the truth was I was not meant to be a mom, and everyone else was judging me and finding me lacking. I would go to the mall, a gathering of friends, or a family event cringe whenever the topic of childbearing arose. I started losing a bit of myself, a part of myself I had not even gotten the chance to be yet, but grief, fear of the unknown, and self preservation has a way of bearing down on hopes and dreams. I told myself, "I will not have anything to lose if I accept the worst." After time passed and many other those people I thought were echoing my own thoughts proved me wrong by praying and speaking into my life I realized I am not defined by if I am a mother or not.

I came to a place about three years into our fertility journey where I realized I would be a wonderful mother. I was a good aunt to our nieces and nephews, and with our friend's children. I am a teacher. I began to believe in the hope anew, and in what God had promised us.

Five and half years after we married, we became to parents of our two miracle blessings. It is funny because when people ask me questions that used to offend me so much, like, "Are they yours?" or "Did you have a hard pregnancy?" I find myself using our adoptive journey as a testament. It is a testimony of God's grace. I said in the beginning of this entry that my boys are "mine," but really ALL children are Gods, biological, white, black, adoptive, twins, glasses, whoever they are. We are AL Gods. They are not "mine," but instead they are my "gifts" from God. Precious gifts.

I got my nails done last night. The woman doing my nails asked if I had children. I did not hesitate to tell her all about my two rascals. We were comparing stories and she leaned in and asked very conspiratorially, "Is is time for another one? They are three years apart right? How was your pregnancy?" I stopped, thought about my choices, and without a moment of hesitation said, "We are always open to what God has, but no I have never been pregnant. We are a blessed family of adoption." She processed what I said, nodded her head, and then we continued our conversation without skipping a beat as she moved into a story about her husband being adopted and the many babies adopted from her home country of China.

Adoption has opened up a whole new world for our family. It has opened up many connections and opportunities to share our God story. So it is not about who I am, or am not, it is about being confident in God's plan.

The Promise of December

I look back over my past posts, and there are not many, but it is interesting how much we can get caught up in one moment, one situation in time. This is just one piece of the intricate blanket being woven called our life. One day I will look back and see the quilt of people, moments, and blessings that God stitched together. Each block contains its own unique set of emotions and consideration that cannot be associated with another block on the quilt.

Two years ago I wrote about the promise of God being children into our lives, and now I cannot imagine life without our two munchkins. They are so woven into our lives, into my daily life, they may as well be the flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. I would do anything for them, I care for them, I would die for them. I cry for them, and cheer with them. They are my sons and nothing can take that from me.

Almost seven years ago this January will be the anniversary of when Shawn and I first met. I remember one of our first nights together. It was a cold night, cold enough that the windows were frozen. We were sitting in my car outside of my apartment building. He was dropping me off after another night out. We had probably gone out to eat at "our" Mexican restaurant although that detail eludes me. Shawn was telling me again that he was going to marry me and of course I was protesting. I confessed to him that I felt the Lord had told me something important was going to happen in December. Well, we got married in June of that year (2006) and this detail became a faint memory. Fast forward to 2010. In the Spring of 2010, we were at church one morning and our Pastor came up to me and spoke that he really felt I was going to be a mother and mentioned Christmas. At this time I was reminded of another mention of December, a faint whisper in my heart. But as Christmas 2010 went by, and although we had our two bundles of joy living with us, there was no promise of when our adoption would happen for sure, I once again put this promise aside. Then in 2011 after 5 1/2 years of holding onto a promise, yet sometimes despairing and questioning the validity of it, and the sanity of my own mind that maybe it was something I had willed myself to believe out of this innate desire to be a mother, this promise came to fruition. Our sons, Jeremiah Lucio Hernandez, and Ayden John Hernandez, came to be forever in our family.

So sometimes these boxes our our quilt have their own memories, but sometimes feelings, emotions, and promises span through time. All we have to do is trust in the maker of our quilt of life. It is not easy, but looking back and seeing how it is woven together is a blessing that makes it all worth it. The promise of December is one I will always hold close to my heart, just as Mary held the promises of the angels of Jesus' coming close to her soul. The promise of December is one I see everyday- in the form of my little angels.

My soul....

At the end of my life all will be quiet and well within my soul. Until then, each day I try to find this place of peace within the arms of my Father.

It has been almost a year since we adopted our two wonderful angels- Jeremiah Lucio Hernandez named after Shawn's father, and Ayden John Hernandez, named after my father. We firmly believe in the practice God initiated of becoming a new creature upon adoption into a family, therefore we bestowed these names upon our sons. Just as we are sons and daughters in the family of Christ, our sons are ours in every legal, and heavenly, aspect of the word. In the Old Testament God gave many people new names, and after much prayers and discussion we applied this idea to our family as well. We do not take this new role lightly.

I am a mommy. I am a worrier, and a prayer warrior for my sons. I am a healer and comforter. I am a playful companion who builds car tracks and tackles my 3 year old. I scratch my 6 year old's back to help him calm down before bed. I am a provider of meals, snack, and clean clothes. I am a constant flow of conversation and an example of correct grammar. I am a counselor when two little brothers do not see eye to eye. I am a cuddler and a snuggler. I am their biggest fan, and the first one to support them when they fall down. I am a disciplinarian and corrector when their actions are not nice. I am Jesus to my sons.

So on days when things are not so clear, and life is stressful I look to my father to provide an example of how to be the best wife and mommy I can be, and how to find rest within my soul.

Contentment......

This morning I had one of those "aha" moments.....in the shower of all places LOL! I was thinking about my house, my husband, my boys, and all we have and I honestly felt content. Often times I feel myself spiraling into this negative "gimme" attitude with God. "I want a baby......I want a job.....I want this and that..." and sometimes I forget about what He wants.

Someone recently told me that if you were told what you would have to endure in the future you would probably run the other direction. As I think over the past five years since we first got married, I can totally agree with this comment. Three years ago I was in shock and numb that God would not allow us to have a baby. At that point if you would have told me it would be three long years before our arms would be filled with children I would have fallen into a depression. Two years ago I felt a ray of hope but I was against anything other than "my idea of how to start our family." One year ago I was just open to any direction of us growing our family- we were in so different directions- private adoption, fostering to adopt, international adoption, or IVF.

Today I look back at the past four and half years and I truly see the meaning of Footprints in the Sand. It was God who carried us through those hard years, those emotional moments, the highs and the lows, who used that time to mold us into mature adults, to mend and strengthen our marriage, and for us to have that coveted and precious time to love each other as a couple. Now I can look at a pregnant woman and not feel insane jealousy, hurt, and loss. Those emotions are still a part of me, and few understand this loss, but they do not define me. I am excited about our future, and content in today.

So in the shower today I was telling my husband (don't worry he just getting ready in the bathroom) that I am so grateful for our TV, our computer, the decor in our house, our finances being where they are, our boy's room being furnished, etc. I am grateful for our family and their support through this process, the acceptance and love they have for the path we have chosen, and for taking our sons in as part of the family. To our friends who have listened to us cry, scream, be excited, talk about our dreams, and just be there for us to turn to; and now to celebrate with us. I think of last August when D turned one and the speech Shawn gave to all those who attended. The gist of it was, "Thank you to all of you for your support and for your prayers and walking with us in this journey." I treasure this moment in my heart because we have felt that love and support. We have chosen, well God has chosen, to grow our family in a way that is different than others, but for that we are stronger, and those around us have helped make us this way.

I am grateful for my boys---- my beautiful boys who God brought just to US. I love N with his perception and zest for life, his excitement about new things, and his funny and precious moments of questions about life and his sensitivity to how other people feel. D is walking like crazy now, he is stretching his wings and finding his independence. He has a stubborn streak but he is also a cuddler and loves his "maemiiiiiii (mommy)." I love to hug and cuddle them, to be able to teach them ABC's and how to say new words, to wipe the tears, and even yes, to have the opportunity to discipline them. I love to watch Shawn wrestle with them on the floor and hug them until they laugh.

In these moments I feel content, and I know that at the end of the day God's plan for my life is so much better than ANYTHING I could have imagined. Yes, there are still SO many unknowns (our next court date for TPR is April 19th so keep us in your prayers), and yes, three years ago had I know this would be our path I may have resisted and run the other way; but now I am running toward it. Yes, I would still love to have our own biological baby and I would love to have more children, but at the end of the day we are no different than any other family, we are just a family.

I am grateful to God. His plan is better than ours. Our pain brings out our reliance on him to carry us through the hard moments in life. For today I am content.

It's 2011 :)

Dear friends,

Whew. It has been a whirlwind of the past 7 months since I posted last. Let me update you on some things going on within the Hernandez clan :).


In July we acquired a new addition to our family- a puppy named Chessa but sadly she passed away a couple of weeks later. This was a sad moment :( but we still have our two mutts- Charlie will be three in May and Chico will be two.

We also added two more wonderful additions and our family has doubled! We are proud pre-adoptive parents of N- 4, he will be 5 in May, and D who is 18 months. We started visits with them in July which I believe I had written about previously. We did visits back and forth with the foster home they were in at the time, who also happened to be some of our best friends as well which made the whole situation so much easier. It was a fun and busy summer with weekends out and about and weeks working and getting ready for the big move, as well as for little D's 1st bday!

The boys offically moved in on August 13th, 2010. The first night we took them for ice cream and we got family pictures done. The next day we had a bday party with some of our closest family and friends. This was the first time many of them had the chance to meet the boys and it was joyous celebration. I remember Shawn thanking everyone for coming and asking them to keep us in their prayers for the future of our family. That seems like so long ago.

At this point we were still conducting visit between the boys and their mother, and it was unsure which direction the case was going to go. I still cannot share too much as it is still ongoing; however the next four months brought a lot of turmoil and hardship for us emotionally, as well as for our boys, but God is faithful and since November things have been so much more peaceful for us. The courts decided to move for Termination of Parental Rights. During this time we were also able to see my in-laws, although through very sad circumstances, it was wonderful for Shawn's parents and siblings to be able to meet the boys for the first time and for us to see all of our nieces and nephews.

In December we celebrated Christmas with the boys, and then we went to my parent's house. Christmas morning was such a joy! I am sensitive to those who are not married or do not have children, as I have been there. It was different than years past when it was just Shawn and I. While those are memories I will treasure, I feel like Mary when the Bible says she "stored and treasured these thing in her heart." It is a different time period of our life and I store these things in my heart- N's face when he opened his dump trucks, D playing with the wrapping paper, my parent's as their first Christmas as grandparents. These are special moments.

Backing up a little bit, in August Shawn lost his job where he had been since we moved to Northwest Indiana. It was a hard time. We were able to secure unemployment though and the Lord was so faithful and we were able to make it through.

In December I got an e-mail in regards to a position at Purdue University teaching Spanish. I started in January after the holidays. It was back to the grind. I love it! I teach three different courses two days a week. Shawn stays at home with the boys and cares for them. He is such an awesome husband and father. I come home to a clean house, happy children, and dinner! He is such a blessing to me from God.

We had our review hearing in January and they decided to move forward with the termination hearing. We were happy to hear this. It is obviously a sad occasion to see a mother losing her children and the agony of a family who is being broken up no matter the choices that led to this moment. However, I believe God has brought these boys to us for a purpose. I believe at the end of the day they need us and we need them. It is such a testament to the title of my blog....God Bless the Broken Road. It has been a very difficult four years of dealing with infertility, and the heartbreaking news of not being able to have biological children. When the boy's first came to us it was not an instantaneous moment in time where I knew I was their mother, but if you ask me now, I can't imagine life without them. It is perfectly normal that they are our children, blood and skin color do not even play a factor in our relationship with them. We love them, care for them, wipe their tears, sing with them, cheer on N at this soccer games, discipline when needed, clap when D took his first steps, and show them who their Father is- Jesus.

This is such a picture of how God took us and adopted us in to his family through his son. How he loved us.

This past weekend my mom came and we went to N's last soccer game on Sunday and then we took the boys to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. It was such a fun family day. Then yesterday morning we had our first Termination Hearing. It was short and we will have the actualy trial part in April. Things are moving forward. We are just loving on the boys and trusting in God to work us through this.

Shawn recently got a phone call to work for another State Farm agent for the next 6 months. The best part is he can work from home for the next two months while I finish up teaching at Purdue and tutoring. I took the LSAT exam in December and applied at Valparaiso University for law school. This has always been a dream of mine and my husband is my biggest supporter. I am still waiting to hear if I got in or not. Once I find out, and we have court in April, we will be able to make more permanent plans for our future.

This is an update on us. We are just living each day and enjoying each moments as a normal family :).

Thanks for reading.