So I have had some awesome blessings happen in the last couple of days, and since I often tend to be more pessimistic I am going to list them!

~We received a nice gift card from an Italian restaurant for watching our friend's children
~On Monday:
1) I got all my work done- paperwork, lesson plans, and reports- for my tutoring
2) I met our caseworker, and friend, for lunch at a Mexican rest (which I love) and she
paid for it (which I totally intended to pay for her!)
3) She agreed it would be ok if pursue domestic infant adoption at the same working with White's (where she works and we are licensed for foster care) plus she agreed to help us with our home study! THIS IS HUGE! I was so worried about our home study!
4) I sold two orders for my Lia Sophia jewelry party!
5) I got a nice Easter card from my grandparents!
6) I talked and caught up with my college roommate!
~On Tuesday:
1) I spent the morning with my hubby since we went to do our second (and hopefully) final semen analysis! The pschyo lady was not there and we were in and out!
2) THEN literally as we were passing Grant St on the interstate I got a phone call from my old job (which I quit in Jan.) and the secretary told me she had a check for me. I said ok, what for? and she said it was an academic check or something along those lines- totally unexpected! So we turned off the interstate to go get it (the school is off of Grant St.). I told Shawn it would be cool if it was like $20, secretly thinking I would like it to be more like $100. It was $842, after taxes! AMAZING GOD THING! So we are taking this as a sign, and a test, and instead of blowing the money we are going to use it to start our adoption fund!!
3) I got to spend some quality time with my sister and we ate lunch at Cracker Barrel.
4) I had an interview for a summer job that I always do teaching Migrant children. I usually teach first grade, but this time was different because there was a new principal AND I live in IN now so they are weird about hiring people who don't work in the district. However, because I have the experience and I speak Spanish, it all worked out and I got the job. Plus the pay is good, and school only goes from 8-2 this year instead of 3, so if we have kids by then I it cuts an hour off of them being with a sitter!

So cool beans. I called these my red letter days, and I will be honest I was wearing the same red shirt both days because I hadn't done laundry. LOL. Well today I am wearing pink......and I slept until 11 so today is starting off pretty good. Maybe I can have a good pink day.......:)

Thanks to the Lord for blessings and favor---- honestly, much needed, just like the fresh wave of this lovely Spring weather, coming out of winter and a season of depression.

Amen.

Moving along......

In the week or so since I last posted not much has changed. I decided to take some thing into my own hands today though.

One- I registered us on a website called adoptuskids.org which is a national database of foster care children. I found a couple of sibling groups I think we would be interested in. They were a little older than we were looking but I am feeling more and more open to that option.

Two- We are having a phone conference with a domestic adoption agency tomorrow evening. I am a little nervous because I am not sure that the agency we are going through now is completely going to approve. I did call one lady at our current agency and discussed it with her and she thought it would be ok if we tried to foster AND do domestic adoption right now to see which one will pan out. The hurdle is going to be trying to get our home study from our current agency. I really do not want have to do that process ALL over again! It is expensive and long. Shawn and I have decided we would rather pay our current agency for the one they have. So we will see. The good thing about adopting domestically is right now there is a tax credit of up to $13,000 or so and that would really help us, AND we are guaranteed a baby which I really like. The downside is the wait, the money of course, and possibly having to redo the homestudy.

I guess we will see what happens. The other night I had this vivid dream of a me wrapped in cloth. It was like God's hand was wrapping me tighter and tighter until I was crying and in pain and could barely breathe. Then all of the sudden a picture of a maravelous butterfly came into my mind and replaced all the uncomfort of my tight cocoon. It was like God was telling me he is taking me through time of pain, but it is just preparation for the beauty of the season of my life that is to come. When I think of it that way, and apply Jeremiah 29:11, it gives me hope and makes this time seem no so bad.

Another disappointment

Coming off of a great weekend I should have known I would get hit with something to waver my happiness and contentment with where we are and with the Lord.

I went to a mom's conference this past Sat. called Hearts at Home with my friend and my mom. I only went because I know the woman that started it, I grew up around this conference, and because I knew I could go to other workshops besides just those for moms. I am glad I went. It actually wasn't too hard. I even went to a loss workshop and was able to tell our story and cry a little bit. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have been sooooo depressed and going down this road of darkness the past three months. Many people do not know that, but it is the truth. I told Shawn it is like he grieved the first 6 months, and I was there for him, and now I am grieving, and he is being my rock. So after the conference, I came home and confessed some things to Shawn and we were doing really good.

Then on Monday we went to the doctor. Shawn found out two months ago that he could get some fertility coverage under the VA. A month ago he went to the dr. to get some tests ran. This past Monday we went to get the results of these tests and to do a semen analysis. They also drew blood for genetic testing. The doctor told us that if it works out the VA may cover everything for Shawn; including the testicular biopsy where they would remove sperm and freeze it in case we decide to pursue IVF in the future.

SO all in all this was an unexpected blessing. These tests alone will save us a lot of money. The other thing is we may get some definite answers and not look back someday and we wish we had pursued it more.

The next step is we are going in two weeks to get another semen analysis done, and then April 13th we will return to the dr. to discuss all of the information from these tests, and where that leaves us- either we will know it is a "no" or we will start the process of getting the VA to approve coverage for Shawn to get the biopsy. After all that, I was actually happy. I felt like it was an unexpected gift from God that these things may be covered. Shawn and I had a good day. We were in and out of the VA hospital (which NEVER happens) in about an hour, and we got to do some really much needed talking (at least for me- I am sure you can tell by the length of this post that I like to discuss things- lol). So all in all this can be chalked up as a positive step in the right direction.

THEN fast forward to today. I finally got a phone call from Whites (which took FOREVER- really a week and a half) saying that we did not get chosen for the sibling group of three boys. Wow. What a let down huh? Like I said I should have known it was coming.....and yet I always seem to get blindsided. Fun. AND I just got done telling people about it when I KNEW I shouldn't have. It is like I feel hurt, stupid, angry, and rejected all over again. In the workshop on loss this past weekend they told us it is ok to yell and dialogue with God. SO I DID! I cried, yelled, and screamed. And all that is left is just like this little voice saying I should have known not to get my hopes up. A piece of me wants to call it quits on everything and just say forget it. Obviously after all these false hopes, and three years, we are maybe not meant to be parents.

Then I am going through the drive-thru of Burger King and I see a bumper sticker on the van in front of me that reads- Foster Parents=Good work. I was like really? Really God? Come on. Is that it? But a piece of me does not want to go back down that road of depression. I do want to have peace. I wish I was more like Shawn in that I can just hear bad news, feel a little sad, and then more on with my hope restored. I just dont feel that easily. So this is not necessarily going to end on a positive note. However, this is my blog so that is ok. I will say though that I didnt call Whites and tell them to take us off the list, I didnt go home and crawl in bed, I am doing work and moving along with my day, I am not crying still, I am in the land of the living and still ok. I guess for now that is all I can ask for. For now, that is progress, and that is ok with me.

And we are still...........

waiting :) BUT I went to coffee with a friend last night who also is going through the trial of IF (not the treatment yet) and she kind of put me in my place; however, unbeknownst to her and in a very Godly manner. She basically told me she is focusing on what she DOES have, in lieu of what she does not. And her being older than me, the excuse of us getting older, and time flying by, sounded lame even to my own ears. Sometimes it helps to see past my own circumstances and to that of others. Needless to say I am a little bit more humbled, and really just being happy and focused on Jesus.

Sometimes I miss Him and our relationship outside of IF. So until that phone call comes, and even when it does, I still want to focus on Him.

On a side note, this is a big week for us because we will be finding out wether we get to take these three boys AND we have a doctor appt. this coming Monday with the VA in Chicago. Shawn found out about two months ago he is covered under the VA for thing pertaining to him, and the underlying causes of his IF. Basically, we will get dianogsis only, not treatment. BUT hey I will take it. It is better than not having any options, and best of all, it is free. SO that said, we will be finding out the results of some tests he had done a month ago on Monday. Please pray for us. There are a lot of things I could say about this, and a lot things I could list for you to pray for, but just pray for us. I just want to leave in His hands.

Thanks.

Praying and hoping

On Monday we got a phone call from our agency. This time it was to ask if we would be interested in a sibling group of all boys- 4, 3, and 2. The great news is they are pre-adoptive and parental rights are pretty much already terminated so if we get chosen we would be starting the adoption process right away. I am sure many of you know this is a blessing when it comes to foster care because it normally takes a lot longer.

SO we don't know much more than that, and if we did I can't post it here for privacy reasons. But I can tell you where we stand. The first step was our agency submitted our name to the county where the boys live, and now the county will pick the best family from all of the ones submitted. Please pray that if it is God's will that they will pick us. We were told we would either here back yesterday or today so I am just really praying that no news is good news.

Our house is def set up for boys and we have the beds and everything! If this is how it works out then it is def God.....it is not how I imagined we would start our family but I think it will be so much better!

With that we are hoping and praying.....and waiting. Amen to that.

Relaxation- good for relationships.....and for the soul

So I was at church this morning thinking of things I could blog about the last couple of days lol....here goes!

First of all, Shawn and I fasted from the world this week and spent time with just the two of us. It was nice. It is funny how even though you live with someone you can really lose track of him/her. We spent a lot of time praying and just relaxing together. We made dinner together one night and then watched a movie and some of our favorite TV shows. The week ended with a date on Friday night. He brought me flowers.....tulips to be exact :). It was really cute. Then he took me to the candy factory. It is called Albanese Confectionery Factory. We always drive by it and say, "We should go there....." but it never happens (the world always keeps us so busy!)! So he took me and we tested candy and bought a bunch of unneeded sugar :). After this, we went to the Olive Garden and spent a good amount of mula on yummy Italian food! I love their salad and bread sticks. I filled my urge for tortellini! It was fun to just relax and eat out together, somewhere besides McDonald's! Fun way to end the weel!

We woke up yesterday morning and cleaned our house and then made breakfast and put lunch in the crockpot. It was such a beautiful day so we took our furbabies, Charlie and Chico, for a much needed walk. Then we came back and lunch was ready (carnitas....mmmmm!). As we were eating I just felt this urge to go to see my family; they live about 2 1/2 hours away. My cousin is going through the beginnings of a divorce and I wanted to help her move out. So my AMAZING hubby was said ok, and within 25 min we were packed and pulling away. We arrived last night and then today was spent going to church, lunch, moving my cousin out, moving her in, playing competitive games of Wii, giving my dogs a bath, showering twice (I had to shower after the muddy dog baths), packing our stuff up again, and then dinner, more Wii, Internet surfing, and now getting ready to leave for home again. Whew! But it was fun to be with my family and just bask in the quality time. There was my play by play of the last couple of days.

So back to this morning- I was really thinking how much I love my husband and how there are so many things that we can do together because it is just the two of us. I know I always am complaining about how I want kids, and this whole blog is dedicated to our journey toward that goal; however, there are moments, like after reflecting on this past week and weekend, where I like just being me and him.......just the two of us.

God was really alive to me in church today. We went to my parent's church (my childhood church) and I just really enjoyed the sermon and truly felt close to God; and instead of complaining to him, I thanked him for the many blessings in my life--- starting with my husband :)

The other thing I reflected on this morning is how sometimes I just miss letting God be God. I get so caught up in my desires and what I want for my life I forget what he has for me is so much better. Sometimes I see Him through the eyes of infertility and not through the eyes of a forgiven sinner. He has forgiven much, and loves me much. I know he has a great plan for me, for us. Yet sometimes I can only see him, and the world, through the lenses of my limited circumstances. Sometimes it is nice, just like with my husband, to relax in His presence. And this morning I did. :)

Yesterday was ROUGH!

Yesterday was a very rough day! First I woke up and realized that this marks a month and a half that I have not been working, and therefore a month and half longer than I thought it would be without having kids. I know this sounds melodramatic but honestly when we have already waited three years more time seems to be forever. I supposed it shouldn't feel that way, in fact, in comparison, three months should seem like nothing compared to three years. Time is just time I suppose.

There are different ways to look at it. Last night Shawn was telling me how much he has loved the last three years and two months to enjoy his wife.....which of course made me feel bad for looking at it as time with an empty house, an empty womb.

BUT I have LOVED the last three years with my husband (almost four years this June if we count the year we didn't know we couldn't conceive). I look at that as one of the blessings of this IF journey. I truly feel like I know my hubby, and I mean as a friend and a lover, not just the former.

So I woke up yesterday and took a shower and realized that I really didn't have anywhere to go. So instead of going somewhere and having the self-motivation to go somewhere- the mall, or the library, or even to a movie (all suggestions by my husband)-- I found myself watching a Law and Order marathon. Don't worry that is not all I did. But still even typing that makes me sound lame to my own ears lol.

So after I got ready, and started my marathon, I decided I was going to conquer these hurdles that are keeping us from considering embryo adoption (The first time I have said the name of it to anyone but Shawn. So there it is- the one thing we are considering doing besides fostering to adopt- embryo adoption). I researched it some more and made some phone calls. After two hours, I can say I def understand more about what EA involves. However, it is SO expensive. At least $12,000 expensive. And it really makes me wonder if this is just some vain quest to experience pregnancy!?!There are just so many questions and hurdles. BUT I suppose if this is the direction we pursue, and God is at the helm, then we can not fail!!!!! :)

So with all these questions and blah feelings you can imagine I was pretty sad by the time my husband got home. I have those days where I just want to cry and it was def one of them. Unfortunately, it always seems to coincide with my husband's extra happy days and I always feel like a downer. That is prob one of the reasons I don't like to tell people how I really feel about this most of the time. It is the reason I just smile and say ok and happy things when I really feel like screaming. The reason I will prob attend functions I don't really want to attend. BUT alas my husband is an angel, really, and he instantly held me and made it all better just with his presence! He made me laugh. And his faith puts me to shame. Even though he is the one with the "issue" as he so delicately put it, his faith is always there, unwavering. He really makes me want to believe and be encouraged. So- I was. Within thirty minutes all was better and we were laughing and making dinner together.

So to end on a positive note, I may not be at that place of faith yet, but I have a husband, a life partner, that is worth all that we go through on this broken road. I love him forever and always and he is my best friend. I thank God for him everyday. And really, if I am honest with myself, for all the times I think God has forgotten and forsaken me and our cries for a child, really he has blessed me abundantly, with a husband like Shawn. I could have 500 children, but I would not want them without him. And that is the most important lesson of yesterday.

:)

Where we are now :)

Well this is my new blog. I am excited to have a place to write about my feelings and emotions even if I am the only one who sees this! :) Right now on our journey to parenthood......well we officially got our foster care license last Thursday Feb. 25, 2010! It was an exciting to moment! And it brings us closer to one more step in our journey.

That said while on the website I am a member on for women who deal with infertility- Hannah's Prayer, I saw information about this newer form of adoption. So we have been thinking and praying about which direction we really want to go. I guess one thing can be said for the IF road....there is no lack of options. Of course given the choice option A would be to have our own biological children. And while it is easy to say there are many other children out there who need a home why not adopt? This is easier said than done. Of course we would love it to be that simple but there are many emotions and hurdles to get through for this process to work.

And then there is this burning (and natural?) desire to experience pregnancy. This adoption process would possibly allow for that.

SO we are just really praying and exploring all options at this point.

The big thing today was we got our first phone call for a foster placement but I said no. Shawn has left me with the trust to say yes or no because we have to make an instantaneous decision in some cases. So the call was exciting and nerveracking in itself. The placement was for a 14, 13, 3, and 6 mo. year olds but alas I felt that these ages would not mesh well with what we are looking for. I called Shawn almost in tears because it breaks my heart to know these girls are out there and need a family. But at the end of the day it is better for us to stick to our guns than to take on more than we can handle just for the sake of having a baby (sounds bad I know but true story) or having kids only to have it not work out and then the kids have been to one more home and have one more rejection. So that was a NO. But it was a hard no.

ON the flip (and positive) side, I spoke at length with the intake coordinator from our agency and she now knows more about what we are looking for, ages, etc., and she assured me she would be calling us again. SO that is good news........just praying it will be in HIS timing with the kids HE has for us.

As for that other form of adoption.....looks like it might be on hold for many reasons......cost.....no health insurance, etc.

Well this is my first post. I have not decided who I am going to share this blog with since I am posting pretty freely here but alas we shall see.

That is all for now.