Contentment......

This morning I had one of those "aha" moments.....in the shower of all places LOL! I was thinking about my house, my husband, my boys, and all we have and I honestly felt content. Often times I feel myself spiraling into this negative "gimme" attitude with God. "I want a baby......I want a job.....I want this and that..." and sometimes I forget about what He wants.

Someone recently told me that if you were told what you would have to endure in the future you would probably run the other direction. As I think over the past five years since we first got married, I can totally agree with this comment. Three years ago I was in shock and numb that God would not allow us to have a baby. At that point if you would have told me it would be three long years before our arms would be filled with children I would have fallen into a depression. Two years ago I felt a ray of hope but I was against anything other than "my idea of how to start our family." One year ago I was just open to any direction of us growing our family- we were in so different directions- private adoption, fostering to adopt, international adoption, or IVF.

Today I look back at the past four and half years and I truly see the meaning of Footprints in the Sand. It was God who carried us through those hard years, those emotional moments, the highs and the lows, who used that time to mold us into mature adults, to mend and strengthen our marriage, and for us to have that coveted and precious time to love each other as a couple. Now I can look at a pregnant woman and not feel insane jealousy, hurt, and loss. Those emotions are still a part of me, and few understand this loss, but they do not define me. I am excited about our future, and content in today.

So in the shower today I was telling my husband (don't worry he just getting ready in the bathroom) that I am so grateful for our TV, our computer, the decor in our house, our finances being where they are, our boy's room being furnished, etc. I am grateful for our family and their support through this process, the acceptance and love they have for the path we have chosen, and for taking our sons in as part of the family. To our friends who have listened to us cry, scream, be excited, talk about our dreams, and just be there for us to turn to; and now to celebrate with us. I think of last August when D turned one and the speech Shawn gave to all those who attended. The gist of it was, "Thank you to all of you for your support and for your prayers and walking with us in this journey." I treasure this moment in my heart because we have felt that love and support. We have chosen, well God has chosen, to grow our family in a way that is different than others, but for that we are stronger, and those around us have helped make us this way.

I am grateful for my boys---- my beautiful boys who God brought just to US. I love N with his perception and zest for life, his excitement about new things, and his funny and precious moments of questions about life and his sensitivity to how other people feel. D is walking like crazy now, he is stretching his wings and finding his independence. He has a stubborn streak but he is also a cuddler and loves his "maemiiiiiii (mommy)." I love to hug and cuddle them, to be able to teach them ABC's and how to say new words, to wipe the tears, and even yes, to have the opportunity to discipline them. I love to watch Shawn wrestle with them on the floor and hug them until they laugh.

In these moments I feel content, and I know that at the end of the day God's plan for my life is so much better than ANYTHING I could have imagined. Yes, there are still SO many unknowns (our next court date for TPR is April 19th so keep us in your prayers), and yes, three years ago had I know this would be our path I may have resisted and run the other way; but now I am running toward it. Yes, I would still love to have our own biological baby and I would love to have more children, but at the end of the day we are no different than any other family, we are just a family.

I am grateful to God. His plan is better than ours. Our pain brings out our reliance on him to carry us through the hard moments in life. For today I am content.